I wish I could report that 10 days have made a huge, life-altering difference in my experience of South Africa thus far. Alas, no. Don’t get me wrong — I’m definitely trying to make the best of things here. I’ve been excessively diligent about going to the gym (every. single. day. — oh, except Sundays, because they’re closed). I’ve been eating yummy, home-cooked, healthy meals. I’ve very nearly stopped drinking alcohol. I’m reading, watching movies, getting good sleep… And finally (finally!) beginning to make some very cool friends. I actually had social engagements on Friday, Saturday and Sunday — yay! (School, clearly, is a total afterthought — but didn’t we know that’s how it would be here, anyway? And let me just say: repeating Finance is one of the dumbest ideas I’ve EVER had. Ugh.)
But still… I don’t know. I’m just impatient to feel comfortable here, I guess, and extraordinarily homesick. Micah asked me — “homesick for where?” Ah, right… There isn’t any ONE place I would or could call home right now. Barcelona will never be the same, since most of my friends have now moved away. Boston hasn’t been home for almost 2 years now, and my friends there have also been steadily moving away. I definitely miss New York (a LOT!!), but wouldn’t necessarily point to it as the epicenter of my homesickness. I certainly can’t say that I’m homesick for Portland, since Portland has never been my home. So perhaps the argument could be that I simply feel the loss of a general home — but what is “home,” really? Much more than just a house, clearly — even more than just the place where I live, I think. A place where I have friends and a social life and feel reciprocal love and understanding, where people not only know but have participated in my stories, and I know and have participated in theirs, where I have my own stuff and my own car, and feel as comfortable alone as I do in the company of others… Maybe that’s what I’m missing. Whatever it is that I’m missing, it’s throwing a dark cloud over my time here, and making it nearly impossible for me to conjure a good mood. Not that I’m always in a BAD mood, per se… Just, I don’t know, I’m not in a very good mood — I’m mellow, morose, blue, unenthusiastic, whatever you want to call it. Which then drags on my motivation, making it harder for me to get out of the house and harder to break the cycle. Needless to say, I’m super frustrated with myself right now.
Incredibly, I’ve already been here over a month, and have just 9 weeks left. Which means that no matter how uncomfortable or “home”sick I may feel, it’ll all be over ridiculously soon, and then I start an even bigger, in many ways scarier, adventure (you know — the post-MBA career start, the entrepreneurial side bet, the Big Relationship, etc). So despite my sad tone, I’m committed to making an effort here, making some friends, and really getting something great out of this experience. I mean, really — when will I be living in Africa again? Maybe never? So I promise to write a more optimistic, hopeful, light-hearted blog next time. But for now, yeah… I’m pretty homesick — whatever that means.
Aw sweets. Maybe you’re just ready to settle down somewhere? For the past two years your life has been very temporary–you were never anywhere you knew was long-term or where you were really supposed to set down roots. Maybe what you’re feeling is just the sense that it’s time for your rambling days to be over? I’d say keep on doing what you’re doing, trying to enjoy and experience Africa as much as you can, and allow yourself to be excited that in 9 short weeks you’ll be able to settle down again and start a more permanent life somewhere. With frequent trips to Walla Walla thrown in the mix.