As predicted, I did NOT make it for a whole week on the uber-punishing maple syrup lemonade detox. My heart simply was not in it. However, I DID make it through two days of the stuff, and then transitioned into three days of only eating fresh fruit and steamed veggies (no seasoning, no olive oil, no nothin’! — that’s commitment!). Much as I love my veggies, I was pretty burned out on steamed zucchini at the end of three days — but I DO feel good about leaving the caffeine behind (ugh, again…), and I do feel detoxed. Er, rather, I DID, until I, once again, found myself making those damn carrot cake muffins! I can’t stop! It’s a compulsion! I must must must perfect the recipe, and I simply haven’t been satisfied yet. Also? Jon, my Cape Town GBF, has been around a ton since his hubby is away for several weeks. Which means: certain debauchery (read: going over my calorie limit and also indulging in a glass or two of wine) and rabble-rousing (read: laughing so loudly that it’s almost embarrassing). He’s fabulous for my soul, but not so much for the ol’ diet. And oh gawd, and don’t even get me started on Sarah’s baking projects this last week (for her mother’s birthday). I’ll just say that it ALL adds up to potential ruination, and goes totally counter to the spirit of the detox — but, as Laura will likely argue, binging is nearly inevitable after sustained deprivation.
Having spent the last two months dieting and detoxing, my conclusion is that dieting, my friends, is freaking HARD. I looooove food. Love it. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, dessert dessert dessert… And also? You KNOW I love my beer and bubbly — neither of which is tremendously diet-friendly. LAME! In addition, I loooooove my coffee — but it, I must report, does NOT love me. Every time I give up coffee I remember how good it feels to be caffeine-free: I can wake up all on my own, I feel more focused, less jittery, more even in general. However, having spoken to both my honey and Miss Laura in Boston (soon to be in Walla Walla!), I was met with rather fierce resistance to the idea of giving up the stuff. The verdict seems to be that, no no no, we do NOT drink decaf! Decaf is for losers, wimps and old ladies.
But why?? Surely it’s unhealthy to be so leashed to coffee that I get severe, crippling headaches (and yep, have even been known to vomit…) if I don’t have it. That just can’t be right. Furthermore, I’m fairly convinced that caffeine exacerbates my already outrageous ADD. Going off the stuff always always always feels GOOD. Really, really good. Independent-spirited girl that I am, I like being free of my most demanding addiction.
But, well… There’s always a but, isn’t there? And it’s this: I freaking love the stuff. I love that the idea of having a cup of coffee is the carrot that lures me out of bed in the morning. I love the ritual of making the coffee — the teasing smell as I wait those twitchy four minutes until I can push the plunger down. I even like the way my soy milk swirls and changes the color of the stuff. (Before the diet? The swirls of half and half sinking to the bottom of my cup…) I love sitting down with my hot cup of coffee and checking my email — talking to no one, just me and my ritual. This ritual describes how I most like to start my day. So what do I do now? Well, I’ve started substituting herbal tea — which is lovely, but the ritual isn’t nearly as satisfying. And I’m sorry, nothing tastes like “wake up, woman!” the way that a delicious cup of freshly brewed coffee does. So… what? I’ve been toying with the idea of making soy chai lattes at home — but then, crap, am I really THAT girl? The “no, I don’t drink coffee, I’ll have a chai latte made with soy milk, please” girl? Should I trade in my boots for Birks and my cashmere for fleece and just BE that girl? Really? Or do I quietly, shamefully, in an embarrassed whisper, start ordering decaf in coffee shops? Start brewing it at home? What is it about that that feels like… giving up? Giving in to getting (gasp!) old? My 80 year old grandmother still drinks a pot of coffee a day — surely I can’t be the wimpy granddaughter with my own pathetic little press on the side for decaf? For shame!!!! What’s a girl to do??
Inevitably, I ALWAYS go back on the stuff. Always. Every time I give it up, a month goes by, and I start sloooowly slowly letting that delicious drink start wriggling its way back into my good graces. And before I even know I’ve done it, it’s sayonara herbal tea, hola cafe con leche, and I’m right back where I started. Vicious, vicious cycle!
Adding insult to injury, I’m about to move to one of the greatest coffee cities on the planet, and no self-respecting coffee worshiper (such as myself) REALLY does a permanent dive into the dreaded world of decaf in THAT city! I mean, sure, after dinner sometimes, MAYBE, but… I am not a wimp, I am not a loser (er, let’s hope…), and I am NOT an old lady! And crap, my grandmother, the 80-year-old one, IS an old lady, and SHE doesn’t even drink decaf! Ugh. It is a conundrum, to be sure, and easily the hardest part of any detox for me.
Needless to say, the detox is over, and I do feel healthier, but… Why do I feel like I may have won the battle, but I’m nowhere near winning the war?
Listen – it has been pretty widely reported that caffeine can help protect against Alzhiemers. Good enough reason to keep that morning ritual going! We’re definitely having coffee when you come to London!
Alright, I have to say, you really shouldn’t let my taunting get you down!
If you feel better without caffeine, go for decaf. Go for it proudly and don’t look back. Own it, and tell me and Micah to shove it. You should do what makes you feel better. I know what you mean about the ritual, and how tea is never the same. So if you must have coffee (and we both know you must) but want to feel better, drink the decaf with pride. 