This morning, I took my final exam for my final class of my final term of the MBA. HOORAAAAAAY!!!

Nearly 24 months, three continents, three cities, a hundred identity crises, several failed classes, dozens of amazing new friends, $120,000 and a virtual lifetime later — I FINISHED MY MBA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (A little strange, I know — given that I graduated in April, so it feels a bit… Anti-climactic? Maybe? But only a bit!)

These last two years have been, without question, the best two years of my life. It’s been a roller coaster, and I still doubt my own judgment in choosing to do an MBA (instead of studying, say, Education? Journalism? Spanish?), but the experience has been amazing. I’ve never doubted myself so much, never had to dig so deep, never been so frustrated and so stretched. I’ve also never laughed so loud, partied so hard, learned so much, or reached so far. As a result, I feel more resilient, more humble and, actually, more professional (turns out I may have actually learned a few things along the way! weird!).

The highlight reel, in no particular order:

- AMAZING new friends! Matt, Blanca, Benj, Dan, Megan, David, Leo, Guille, Nicole, Brian, Aimee, Graci, Christopher, los Klose, los Gonzales, Brooke, Kelly, Tonni, Camilo, Heather… The list goes on and on!!!

- Visits from AMAZING old friends and family! Paddy N, Aimee, Becky and Ben, Laura and Sean, Kim and Marijn (who got engaged when they came to visit!!), Mary and Doug, Will, my parents, Jessey and Aaron — ALL awesome!

- Speaking of AMAZING old friends: in the course of these insane 24 months, I also FINALLY figured out that, duh, the love of my life is also one of my very dearest friends. Don’t know how I missed it, but turns out I’m madly in love with the guy. Who knew?

- Trips! Dublin with Aimee, Sevilla with Matt, Blanca and Ben, San Sebastian with Megan, Munich with Will and J&L, PR for Guille’s wedding with los Tompkins and los Klose, London twice! (about to make that three times!), Portland at Christmas both years, the Beach House with Micah, Boston for 4th of July AND my birthday last year, Andorra for skiing, LA for Jen and Laurent’s wedding, DC in February, Kruger Park with Megan and David… Wow! What an incredible couple of years, just for traveling!

- Living in Barcelona with Raul again, in el Gotico!

- Really living in Brooklyn with my tremendous family and realizing how awesome that is. Brooklyn rocks my world. Also, all that family time was priceless — family dinners, soccer games, movie nights, birthday parties, millions of great conversations… If it weren’t for the aforementioned love of my life, I’m pretty sure I’d be heading back to the basement in Brooklyn!

- Friday night dinners!

- Passing Finance on the first try. Passing Corporate Law on the first try. Social Entrepreneurship. Global Economics. Leadership, Power and Influence. Never having to take another accounting course ever again. Ever. The DGDW conference. Studying all night for finance with Guille and then walking all the way home at midnight.

- Hours and hours and hours at the MBPoW and the fabulous cheap tapas place (pescaitos fritos… mmm…).

- Working for the most prestigious bank in the world and making some cash for six months last year. While the work itself is not for me, I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything.

- The last six months, while strange in some ways, have been an amazing time to relax, rejuvenate, kick Operation MM(f)PF into gear (15lbs down! woot!), and attempt to re-focus (yeah, still working on that…).

- Graduation. What an amazing, special week with my folks and Mary and Doug, and an incredible time to meet the families of my friends.

- Living in South Africa for three months. When will I ever have a chance to do THIS again??

- Testing my personal boundaries, limits, comfort zone and intellectual capacity.

Anyway, wow, I’m sure I could go on, because I’m sure I’m leaving out TONS of important, memorable things — but obviously, it’s been a very intense two years. I’m sad it’s over, terrified of the all too present future, and ready to move on to the next phase of my life. I have NO idea what the coming weeks and months will bring, other than a lot of joyful reunions with family and friends, starting in London next week, progressing to NY and finally back to Portland, my new home! I’m going to take the next few days to feel excited about this accomplishment and ignore the fact that now that I’m done with my MBA what I REALLY am is unemployed — because for the moment? I’m just EXCITED (ahem, Laura and Sean).

And? I’m DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m done I’m done I’m DONE!!!!!!!!!!!

As I was a-jigglin’ away on the elliptical yesterday, my mind wandered to my least favorite thing to think about (um, besides the jigglin’ arms, jigglin’ booty, jigglin’ belly… ah, but I digress) — The Job Search.

Ooooh, The Job Search. Two years later, I feel no closer to knowing what I want to do with this fancy, expensive degree o’ mine. What have I considered up to now? Well, it began with the green spa, then it was HR type stuff, the it was anything at all, as long as it’s in Europe, then I got on to social enterprise, then the beer shop, and now? Now, I’m just confused. Which is awesome, because one month from now, I’m unemployed, and two months from now, I’m unemployed and living with my grandmother. Don’t get me wrong — I still looooove the idea of having a little beer shop to call my own, but have, for the time being, talked myself out of it (for cash flow reasons).

But yesterday, on the elliptical at the gym, I got to thinking about passion. All of these ideas about career have in common that they’re things I am, or I think I am, passionate about — ah, there’s the rub: things I THINK I’m passionate about. For example, I really, really love beer. So much that I’d like to make my living peddling the delicious, malty, hoppy stuff. However, since I’ve been in South Africa, I’ve been on a total hiatus from beer (since, as David will attest, the beer here is less than thrilling — like Spain, but without the oasis that is the MBPoW). And actually, it’s been okay to take a big break from the beer. In fact, I hardly miss it. So I have to wonder: am I so fickle? Out of sight, out of mind? I’m only passionate about beer if I can go down the street for it?

The question I came to (while simultaneously ellipto-sprinting my b-school weight away) is: what am I truly, consistently passionate about? Anything? Or am I so fickle that things totally come and go? (I think we know what I’m currently obsessing about — Operation MM(f)PF — when I should be obsessing about…? Um, exactly. Job search. And beer — writing that b-plan for beer. Which I am decidedly NOT doing.) I do, definitely, move through phases of obsessing about things, and I don’t want to make any career decisions based on what’s AWESOME for me today, because what’s AWESOME to me seems to vary with the seasons… And the sad thing is, I’m not even sure I know what I’m consistently passionate about. People, I guess — I never stop being excited about people, and being able to help them from time to time. Kids, definitely — I looooved working with kids, but I’m not sure I want to go back to that. Ummm… what else? Words? Language? I love to read/write/etc, and I’m pretty proud of my abilities with the ehSpanish. Consumables? (Food, beer, cava, etc…) Independence — is that something one can be passionate about? But are any of these things compatible with my post-MBA career possibilities? And are they even relevant?

Adding insult to injury, I’m not even sure it matters what I’m passionate about. The job market in Portland (like everywhere, I s’pose) has yet to show me ANYTHING that calls to me — in HR, in social enterprise, in a brewery, or in freaking Corporation X that offers me a reasonable wage to show up every day. Nearly everything I see requires 10+ years of experience and some further degree or qualification that I don’t have.  Oh, I mean, unless I want to paint houses, work in a call center, or go door to door for the Sierra Club.

But even if there were a million jobs available, I’m not convinced that I would be any more clear about what I want to do with this degree. It’s an awesome degree, and it was an amazing experience, but: I probably should have done my research a little better before I started, because I would have known what kinds of jobs people GET with an MBA. All the way through this degree, I have struggled and battled and fought with myself over the same question: what do I want to DO with the MBA? Coming to the end of it, I still don’t know. All I know is that I don’t want any kind of job like my summer job, I’d like to be as close to being my own boss as possible, I’d like to do a job I feel good about (as in, it’s socially responsible, it makes a difference, it somehow makes the world or at least a few people’s lives better), and I’d really, really like to be passionate about it. Sooo… I guess I need to figure out what that means.

I know, I’m terrible, and I haven’t written in over two weeks — d’oh!! But I have good reasons! Great reasons, in fact! After that last post, I had a week-long strategy course with my ENTIRE class (Spanish and English sections integrated!), and before it ended Sean and Laura got here to begin their week of Barcelona Awesomeness (and it was, oh man, SO awesome!). So school sort of fizzled and faded away, (honestly, after the pain! the horror! of finals, well, ending the strat class was completely anti-climactic!), and then I switched gears into vacationing-with-my-pals mode (read: frequenting my favorite BCN spots — Bar Quim, the Boqueria, Made in Italy, La Vinya del Senyor, Santa Maria del Mar, my preferred chiringuito, etc). It was an extremely busy end of the school year, what with visitors plus tons of end-of-year festivities (good-bye dinners, good-bye parties, etc). THEN, Kim and Marijn came through on Sean and Laura’s last night (they got engaged here the next day! congrats Kim and Marijn!!!!), and they more or less coincided with the arrival of two other Boston friends, Aaron and Jessie. Whew! It’s been CRAZY! And fun, and I’ve had no problem getting right into vacation mode (do I ever?).

Of course, true to form, I have yet to start packing, which I’m about to do. Really. Any second now… I leave for NYC on Thursday morning, get in around 2:45pm, and then, as far as I know, I don’t start working until around the 30th, sooo… Yet more time off, for hanging out with the family, getting on East Coast time, buying some more suits, and trying desperately not to be too too sad that I’ve just left BCN for the next SIX months!

So the countdown to NY is now two days (eek!) and I should probably get ready to go. Really. Any second now. But man, it’s been an AWESOME couple of weeks, and once again I’m feeling super connected with just how amazing my friends are, both old and new. Good stuff.

Wheeeeeew! I am DONE!!! I have survived another (punishing, brutal, savage and otherwise terrible) round of exams, and I am now thoroughly enjoying a well-deserved day off. As a matter of fact, right this minute I’m being a delinquent, because I’m kind of blowing off a party I said I’d go to — oops — in favor of sitting on the couch, halfway watching the tv, and updating this here blog. And given that my phone got stolen yesterday as I was getting off the train, I’m not reachable, so at least I’m not getting hassled about it! (Clearly I’ll go get that new phone tomorrow, but I didn’t have a chance to get it today. I was busy showing an attractive Dutch guy around the neighborhood. NO, it wasn’t a date. He’s a friend of a friend of a friend, and he’s new in town, and I said I’d help him find a place to live. And I am, but mostly we just spent the afternoon drinking beer and talking about how awesome this city is. So it wasn’t a date, but it was a freaking FANTASTIC way to celebrate my new freedom from school, because man, he’s a cute guy.)

So basically, all I’ve got to report is that I’m DONE (I’m done I’m done I’m done!!) and it feels really freaking good. As per usual, I have no clue if I passed Law, but at this point, shit, I almost feel like I have a record to uphold (3 out of 3 law classes failed??!). And my other exams? Pffff…. Hard, honestly. Maybe the hardest round yet. My IT exam included a freaking 20 page case to read in 3 hours and included 6 questions (and luckily one of the other English-speakers complained so we got it in English, but not until about 20 minutes in — definitely one of the more intellectually exhausting exams I’ve taken). And finance was a typical brain drain in which I realized as I was handing it in that I hadn’t done some of the calculations right (I forgot to unlever and recalculate the Beta for my 2nd WACC!! curses!). Also, I didn’t finish it. But anyway, all this to say: I survived, just barely, and I think my grades are going to be, er, not that great from this term, but at least I’m DONE! One more week of class, (Global Strategy, whoot!) and then I’m out of class until October 13th. (Hurray Cape Town and a late start and a short term! Yippeeee!) Man, it’s been a fast, difficult, insane year, and I’m looking forward to a couple of weeks off before I start my Awesome Summer Job.

Oh, and Combs Family? You know how we like to, you know, Sit Around and Talk About Feelings? Well, at our post-finals celebration lunch yesterday there were about 12 of us, and I asked everyone at the table to say something that they learned this year and something they’re excited about right now. I’m pretty sure I made a couple of people uncomfortable, but it was still a worthwhile reflection, and what struck me is just that we’ve ALL learned a LOT this year, and we’re all excited right now about a lot of different, awesome things. Personally, I’m excited about The Unknown, because there’s just SO much of it right now — what my summer’s going to be like, what Cape Town will be like, what kind of job I’ll get after I finish school (and where!!) — and it all looks like an awesome adventure. This year has been crazy challenging, but now that it’s pretty much over, I’m kind of sad about it. I am NOT looking forward to saying goodbye to all of my great new friends for the next 6 months, and I’m not really thrilled about leaving BCN, because, as I’ve mentioned, repeatedly, it kicks a**, big time.

So, in summary: I’m DONE!!!! And Laura and Sean are almost here! And I’m DONE!! Hurray!!!

At least, it will have to wait until after I finish this MBA (and totally contrary to what I said in my last post). Thanks to the fabulous guiding counsel of Guille, my ma, my Fairy Godmother (er, Aunt Mary), Dennis, and, yeah, just about everyone else I know… I’ll be going to NY for the summer to work in a temporary position at Goldman (which was offered to me on the very same day that two other internships, one on Portland and one here, didn’t work out — sometimes I just feel like the universe is kicking my ass, and this is DEFINITELY one of those moments). Anyway, Mary’s friend at GS is this incredible woman, and she seems to think that even though it’s a temp job, we might be able to rotate me around a bit, and she’ll help me do some networking with other women there, in case I’m interested in something a little more Long Term.

“Long Term??” For those of you who don’t know, GS is basically The Holy Grail for post-MBA hires. (I am, without question, the envy of all of my peers.) If you’re into the wild and crazy world of international banking, of course. But they also have a foundation that makes me salivate, so I’m thinking that I might be able to at least meet the people who work there, and see how I could get my foot in the door. Or something. And even if not… Well, this MBA is a WILDLY expensive adventure (especially with the increasingly TERRIBLE exchange rate!), so a really lucrative job after the MBA would be… ideal, actually. And I’m taking it as a really good indicator of the corporate culture there that my contacts are so friendly and helpful. I mean, I’m sure I’ll work my tail off this summer, but that’s fine, because, as we know, when I get to CT? I’ll mostly just be chilling… In between studying of course, ahem.

Having this settled feels SO good. I’ve been all over the place lately, completely lost in terms of sense of purpose, and not thinking, you know, very logically about it all (how shocking). But I’ll be with Mary and Doug and the kids, and SO many other people I love are on the East Coast, and it’ll be way easier to get to Guille’s wedding in PR, and I’ll probably still get to the beach house in September, not to mention weekend trips to Boston, so… Yeah, saving the world? Well, it’s not going to happen right now, but that doesn’t mean I won’t get back to it, because that’s what I REALLY want to do. And furthermore, given that I’ll be gone in the fall for recruiting, this name on my CV will definitely get me noticed. My career adviser says that EVERYONE will call me for an interview, just because it’s on there, so even if I don’t want to be at GS Long Term (or get offered the possibility) I’ll have WAY more options. How awesome is that? (My friend Brian was joking that my CV will now glow in the dark. Heh.)

So that’s settled. Whew! And now, on to studying for exams and getting ready for Sean and Laura and Kim and Marijn and potentially Patrick and Laleh. And then, in just about a month: NYC!!!

It will come as no shock to anyone that knows me that I have a new obsession. (Nope, not a boy, for once! Which, as an aside, is freaking GREAT — can’t remember the last time there was no one in orbit. But I digress…) I tend to get really really into things, and then, for a brief period, it’s all I’m thinking or talking about. Past obsessions have been working out/counting calories, BOYS, business school research (before I got here), The Gilmore Girls, Harry Potter, business school being hard (since I’ve been here) and back to, you guessed it, BOYS. (And while I’m currently recovering from a two week affair with “Dexter,” the television show that’s like freaking CRACK, that is not the obsession to which I refer. Plus, I’ve now seen every episode, and it doesn’t start back up again until I’m in Cape Town, so I’ve got time to recover.) This one, though, is killing me. I am a CHAMPION sleeper, and it’s even been affecting my sleep — keeping me up, waking me up, infecting my dreams…

Obviously, of course, you’ve probably already detected in recent posts that my current obsession is part of the theme of the year: what the crap do I want to be when I grow up??? And, more urgently: what the HELL am I going to do this summer? My mom reminded me on Sunday that, SHIT!, I only have 6 weeks to figure this out. (More like 3 if I’m buying a ticket back to the States…) And man, this year has been The Year of the Identity Crisis for me, pendulum swinging from one extreme idea of Who I Am to the next. I thought I wanted to do the spa thing in a few years. Then I thought, in the meantime, maybe I’ll just do sustainability (um, yeah, could that be ANY more vague, folks?), then no, not that, maybe consulting, then perhaps even HR consulting, then simply HR and maybe some coaching, reject all that, go back to NGOs or social entrepreneurship, and now it looks like, thanks to a contact of Mary’s, I’ll be interviewing for a temp job at one of the world’s most prestigious banks (er, totally terrified about that — I’m not even clear on what securities ARE, let alone how I could work with them for the summer, and I’m pretty sure that, while it would be INCREDIBLE to put that name on my resume, it’s not going to help me feel like I’m saving the world, which, actually, is probably okay for the summer). And I’ve more or less given up the spa idea for frivolous, and not profitable in an ever more saturated market place.

Whew!! Good LORD, I never knew the MBA was going to be so personally challenging; don’t get me wrong, I knew it would be a good ol’, healthy academic stretch; one that I hoped would ultimately be satisfying (think sudoku or crossword puzzle). But this? I never guessed it would plague me so heartily with self doubt and confusion. So it’s been more like, ooooh, 9 months stretched out on a rack — not like a sudoku at ALL, and not very satisfying or terribly healthy, mostly excruciatingly painful, and since I’m talking in metaphor, here, I don’t even get the added bonus of getting off the damn thing and gaining a couple of much-appreciated vertical inches.

Don’t get me wrong. I still feel incredibly positive about the summer coming. (Honestly! I do!) It’ll be great to be out of school, let my brain rest a bit, have weekends f’real, enjoy loads of sunshine in some part of the world, and look forward to Cape Town (which became more or less official today!). I’m just anxious as hell to know where I’ll be, and terrified that I haven’t left myself time to Make a Choice. We KNOW how crazy I am about feeling like I’m in control of my own fate, as it were, and I hate to think the decision will just make itself for me when June comes, I’m unemployed, and I’m on a flight to Portland to look for pub and volunteer work. Which could be fun, and maybe even a good way to spend the last WHOLE entire summer I’ll have off for a loooong while, but… I just like to be the one choosing. Which is what makes this obsession such a conundrum — which path do I choose??? What’s the right one? What DO I want to do with this freaking MBA??? ACK!!! See? It’s super confusing, and sure to keep me up, again, tonight. At least I have my very exciting, super terrifying interview to look forward to, for now…

And once again, folks, I’m open to suggestions.

As we know, I bombed my interview last week — which is to say, the interview for the internship that I was banking on having for the summer. The internship that would be the very good reason for me to turn down my awesome adventure at the end of the world. The internship that would nearly guarantee me a job in Barcelona at the end of the MBA. The internship that would re-shape my professional trajectory and send me spinning off into a new and exciting career. The only internship that has interested me this year, really. That interview.

After a week of drowning myself in despair and indulgent self-deprecation, I finally came up for air, only to find that I was… relieved, actually. And extremely confused. I started thinking about what I want, I mean REALLY want, to do after the MBA. This internship would have been great — really interesting, a LOT of work, and I’d probably learn A LOT. But as soon as it was off the table (and, to be fair, it’s not actually off the table yet — they haven’t told me no, but seriously, I’m pretty damn sure it’s a no) I started having this nag nag nagging in my gut about… yep, you guessed it: Cape Town. I started kicking myself, actually, for turning down Cape Town for an internship that I had ultimately made unattainable. (Uh, yeah, self sabotage, anyone??) And then I had Rupert, Carol and Cathal all collectively say “why wouldn’t you go to Cape Town?” (and the subtext would be: “what the hell is wrong with you??”). So of course, I started thinking, AUGH! What the hell IS wrong with me? I can’t believe I said NO, for an internship I’m not getting!

Long story short (I know, too late): I’m going to Cape Town. I think. I mean, I’ve officially told my school that I want to go, and the woman in charge is just checking to make sure they still have a spot for me, but: if all goes well, I’ll be in Cape Town on October 1, or thereabouts. Whew! And I am SO excited about it! I had SO much remorse about saying no, but, so far, I’m not having any remorse about saying yes, which is great. (An aside: I stole these photos from my buddy Langdon, who went there over Semana Santa. Yeah, um, looks pretty nice, right??) It is, as Laurent put it, an OIALO, or, Once In A Lifetime Opportunity. Literally. Feels much better to say YES to an OIALO than NO, believe me.

Now: on to this summer. What the shit am I going to do this summer?! I honestly never considered the possibility that this internship wasn’t going to work out, so I didn’t look for anything else, which means I have to now confront just how very directionless I am. Or do I? What if I just go to Boston for the summer, move back in with Laura, and beg Lauren for some part time work? (Ahem, Lauren? Need any teachers? Or Becca? C’mon, I’m pretty good!!) Or I live with my grandmother in Portland and work part time somewhere and hang out with all the Portland folks? (And by work part time, I mean, seriously, like pulling beers at a local brewery or making coffee somewhere.) Or head to NY and crash with Mary and Doug and, yeah, wait tables or something? Obviously, I’ve got some thinking to do, and some job searching to do, because I clearly can’t just NOT work this summer (LOTS of plane tickets to buy in the very near future, and they ain’t cheap!), but I have NO idea what kind of (real) work I want to do. I’m starting to lean more toward NGO/non-profit/development type work, but who knows.

So if you know anyone looking for an MBA intern this summer, let me know! Otherwise, I might just end up chilling by the pool at my parents’ house and slinging sushi with my bro. Which wouldn’t be so bad, if it were anywhere in the world other than Stockton, CA. However, at least I know that, come October, I’ll be crash landing at the end of the world, and on to a pretty excellent adventure. An adventure that, I’m convinced, will have some answers to my many questions about which direction to take, which is pretty awesome. (Thanks, Laurent, for kicking my ass on this one. You were so right…) And as far as the summer goes, I am definitely taking suggestions.

This last weekend not only lived up to expectations. It crushed the living daylights out of them. Holy crap. I don’t know when I’ve ever had a better weekend. (And man, am I in a better mood now. Whew! Can you tell??)

Mary and Doug got here on Thursday, Rupert and Carol came in on Friday evening, Cathal showed up on Saturday afternoon, and yeah, it was pretty much nonstop eating, drinking, eating, drinking, taking in some sights (but not really) and then back to eating and drinking. I must say that I had a stroke of absolute inspiration and took Mary and Dough to a bar IN La Boqueria for lunch the day they got here, right after we threw back a quick pint of Guinness at Flaherty’s. (The only drag about that, and then subsequently the whole weekend, was that they learned that my 7-year-old cousin was in the hospital after having the first asthma attack of his life so far. How’s that for timing? Poor little dude! But no worries! He’s fine now!!) Anyway, trauma aside, they were sufficiently pleased with the Boqueria, and the meal was, in Doug’s terms, just ridiculous (fried artichoke hearts, jamon, chipirones, sardinas a la plancha, asparagus, grilled wild mushrooms, gambas al ajillo, etc — get excited, Becky, Ben, Sean, Laura, Kim and Martijn, because we’re SO going back when you come here!!). It was the beginning of a series of absolutely INSANE meals that we had, including the major highlight of the weekend, dinner at Commerc 24. The chef there apparently trained with el Bulli himself, and yeah, it was pretty much the tastiest meal I’ve ever had. (FOUR hours of nonstop eating waves of delicious tapas and drinking crazy-good wine and conversing, during which the bulk of the conversation went something like “oh my GOD that’s good…” “I know, have you tried the other one yet? just wait!”)

But you know what? All that delicious food and partying isn’t really even the best part. (Although, seriously, it was all totally spectacular. Hyperbole aside, I swear!) The best part was how much I enjoyed having my family here, as well as some of their best friends. What an amazing group of people. I think not altogether infrequently about how lucky I am to have been born into such an excellent family (on both sides!), and also how I seem to have been happily condemned to a life full of scores of wonderful friends, but it’s not often that I think about how awesome the friends of my family are. (Because, honestly, how often does that come up?) And I was sitting with them all at dinner on Saturday — Mary and Doug, Rupert and Carol, Cathal (who couldn’t bring his wife and baby, unfortunately, but apparently his wife was a relatively well-known punk-rock screamer in Zurich in the 80s–um, how cool is that??) — and it occurred to me, holy shit, these people are who I HOPE to be in 20-odd years. They are successful. They are cool. They are smart and knowledgeable and interesting, and share their interests with their cool, smart, knowledgeable and interesting kids. They take cool vacations. They read good books and see good movies. They’re all still damn attractive. They have cool friends who they fly to Barcelona for the weekend to see. They, in short, are kicking ass at being grown-ups. So of course, at said dinner, I might have made something of a speech (when Mary asked us all to go around and say what we’re excited about in our lives right now) and said to them that, for the love of Buddha, I hope you guys know just how damn cool and inspirational you are! Because I doubt, in the course of their insanely busy everyday lives, they often zoom out and think, hell ya, this is the life I created, and shit, isn’t it f***ing cool? To me, that’s just damn exciting.

All this to say, the weekend was incredible and provided quite a bit of the perspective I’ve been so effing desperate for lately. (Holy crap, have I been “cambiante” lately. Ooof, it’s exhausting to be so freaking all over the place!) Mary is always such a calming, reassuring, relentlessly positive and infinitely loving presence, and Doug does a great job of reminding me that stuff just doesn’t have to be a big deal. Plus, everything in life looks better over a delicious bottle of cava. Also: somehow, over the course of the weekend, I was nearly totally talked out of my interest in HR (at least, working in an HR department at a company, ugh…) and my interest in Africa was sparked all over again (totally Rupert, Carol and Cathal’s fault — a collective “why the hell wouldn’t you go to Africa??” sentiment was pretty much all I needed to tip the scale back toward Cape Town…). So there may be developments on that front, still — I’ll keep y’all posted, promise.

Of course, in a lot of ways, I’m even more confused than ever (what DOES it all mean???), but at least I had a kickass weekend with some of the bestest folks on the planet, and for a minute, I got to stop feeling dumb and incompetent, which feels freaking great.

Well, I finally had that second interview I was so excited about this afternoon. And folks, it was probably the hardest interview of my life so far (including when I started at S!, and had to do FIVE interviews). I felt like an idiot most of the way through it. Which is awesome, because at least it’s consistent with how I feel ALL THE TIME lately. I actually went in feeling pretty good, relaxed, confident, etc., but, yeah, got backed into a corner by a few questions, and did NOT do a good job digging myself out. Plus, he gave me a case! A case! I mean, it was appropriate, because it’s a project they’re working on right now (with my LEAD coach! at the company he works for! the LEAD coach I had such a crush on in the fall! and I had to answer what I could offer HIM in terms of helping him define a strategy to train all of his directors! eek!), and it makes sense to see how I would approach the project, but I don’t think I did a very good job AT ALL… Like everything I’ve learned in all of those strategy classes just went STRAIGHT out the window. And seriously seriously seriously, I don’t know how much more of this feeling-dumb-ALL-the-time crap I can take. Today I started to fantasize about going home for the summer, working with Ricky in the Japanese restaurant, sitting by the pool at my parents’ house, going to the beach house for a couple of weeks, and not doing any kind of internship at all… That sounds better than facing the reality of what an absolute debacle business school is turning out to be, right? Right. Uuuuggghh.

At least Mary and Doug are here in a couple of days, and I can take advantage of some serious family time. And they do a pretty good job of helping me to not feel like such an idiot, so that’s good, too. Plus, I’m pretty sure we’re going to spend the entire time eating and drinking, and there will be NO talk of any kind of corporate strategy, finance, law, or accounting, so I can take advantage of this brilliant city for a few days without taking any further hits to my ego.

I will attempt to be more positive in upcoming entries, but man, it’s been a rough week.

Oooookay…. Whew! After last week’s freakout, I am feeling (somewhat) better. Man, failing another class has been yet another hit to my already extremely bruised ego. (Yes, folks, I know what you’re thinking, but I pretty much put together that I can’t “skate by” as usual when I failed the first AND second classes… At this point, it’s just demoralizing.) Luckily, I have excellent friends here, and they’ve done a good job of reminding me that I’m not nearly as dumb as I feel. Also, as Laura shrewdly reminded me, I didn’t WANT to be a teacher, and that’s why I didn’t study education. Right. I guess I just want to feel good at something again, and if there’s one thing I know, it’s that I rock with kids, but I do NOT rock at business school. No kids in sight, and I’m not feeling terribly good at anything.

BUT, I did say I’m feeling better, and so, you know, mostly I am. At least my city provides me with plenty of distractions (ugh, not always good ones — football fans en masse on vacation are one of my LEAST favorite things about local tourism, especially when their chanting and shouting wakes me up at 4:30am on a school night…) so at least I can’t always dwell on my perceived idiocy.

Two big highlights from last week: last Thursday the sun came out, it was a beautiful day, so my group and I headed down to a chiriguito en la PLAYA to drink beers, play frisbee (well, they played — I watched and took pictures with Christian’s camera), and enjoy the fact that we live on the freaking Mediterranean; second highlight, though way less sexy: my interview was postponed to tomorrow, so I didn’t have to fake my way through it. (Oh man, I was having some dark visions of how it would go: “So, tell me about your strengths and weaknesses.” “I don’t HAVE any strengths, but I can tell you ALL about my weaknesses…” or “So, why an MBA?” “I don’t KNOOOOOOOW! Booohoooo!!!” Yeah, it could have gone badly…) Luckily, I’m in a bit of a better mood today (not a LOT better, given that I have yet to understand ANYTHING in Finance or Law, and we’re already 2 weeks in…) and assume that I’ll feel better going into my interview tomorrow than I would have last week… And the work load isn’t too intense tonight, so I’ll get a good night sleep before my interview. Fingers crossed it goes well, and I’ll have a solid plan for the summer, and can stop having buyer’s remorse for not going to Cape Town… I promise, I’m feeling better, though.