Spoke too soon… April 8, 2008

Well folks, I F**KING FAILED F**KING TAX. ARGH!!!!! I am unspeakably frustrated, and once again am left feeling like I’m in the WRONG place… Every feeling I’ve ever had of being a failure, or not belonging here, or not being smart… yeah, RIGHT on the surface. (Which is great. Juuuust freaking great. Feels AWESOME!) I feel like Wile E Coyote, when he’s in the desert, and somehow finds himself in a field of rakes, and everywhere he turns, he steps on one and it smacks him in the face. That’s essentially how I feel about business school — everywhere I turn, another smack in the face. And the silly thing is, I actually felt good about the tax exam, which makes me feel even MORE dumb. I fully expected to pass that class. Man, people, WHY did I think business school was a good idea??? At the moment, I really really hate it — HATE it — and am none too thrilled with myself for making the (incredibly expensive) choice to be here. I am also none too thrilled with myself for not making the effort necessary to pass my f**king classes. Of course, I always THINK I’m making the effort, but no, no, apparently not. Apparently I’m only making enough effort to pass MOST of my classes. Which, when I’m making a $100,000+ investment in my education, is freaking inexcusable. I should be passing ALL of them. ALL. OF. THEM. Uuuughhh… If any of you out there are thinking about business school, I sincerely hope you’re better with numbers than I am. But you know what else sucks? I never thought I was bad with numbers… I taught algebra to the kiddos for years, and always felt reasonably good at it. Once again: ARGH.

Okay, whew. Sorry for the rant. I am sure I will feel better tomorrow, so no worries. I have my interview with Deloitte, and thank BUDDHA I’m at least reasonably convinced that I can be good at the HR stuff. And my friends are doing a great job of cheerleading me through the discomfort of this most recent failure, and the many tears I shed at school this afternoon (yeah, a little embarrassed about that, actually). And on the bright side, after this term, it’s all electives, for the duration of my time at school. And you better believe I won’t be taking ANYMORE numbers classes next year. Ick.

So okay, I need an attitude adjustment, big time, in order to not totally bomb my interview tomorrow and feel even WORSE, so I think I’ll see if Shirin wants to go for a little Guinness-therapy with me. (Oh, sh*t, I haven’t mentioned Shirin yet. She’s my AWESOME new roommate. I was sad to see Jorge go, but Shirin’s so great, I wasn’t sad for long. She’s English/French/Lebanese, and awesome, and I adore her already.)

Cheers to a better tomorrow, and not failing any more classes…

Term 3 — off with a bang! April 6, 2008

Alright, time for a bit of a school update, eh? It’s been an intense 7 months, and now I’m at the very beginning of my last term of my first year of business school. And from what I’ve seen so far, I think it’s going to be a tough one. Classes this term: Global Marketing, Corporate Finance (the project: a financial evaluation of Pfizer — ouch, that sounds like a LOT of spreadsheets…), Global Commerce and Investment (basically an econ class, and I think it’s going to be really really interesting!), Corporate Law (same prof that failed me in pre-term — I promised him a 9.5 this term, but… that’s going to be HARD; it’s basically Merger and Acquisition Law), Information Systems (not going to be too tech-y, they tell me), and Operations Strategy. Whew! I pretty much think ALL of these classes are going to be a stretch for me (especially finance and law — oof!). The good news is that the schedule isn’t too heavy, and, as I’ve mentioned, I have a lot of great visitors coming in the near future, so at least there will be some good play-time/beach-time. (Mary and Doug are here in 2 weeks!!! Yippeeeee!!!) Also, it is SPRING in Barcelona — sunshine, a warm breeze, blue skies, light until 8:30pm… The only bummer about all the awesome weather is that it attracts tourists like crazy, so my neighborhood is, well, going to be swarmed all the time between now and the Fall, as near as I can tell. Ugh. However, the benefits of the awesome weather so intensely out-weigh the disadvantages, I’m really not complaining. The weather here was, after all, one of the driving factors in my decision to come back to BCN in the first place.

One interesting thing that’s going on is that I’m starting to feel like I’m on the right track with this whole HR thing. I spent 4 hours yesterday afternoon helping Graciela prepare for her McKinsey interview tomorrow, and another 4 hours or so helping Dan adjust his resume, and I’m pretty sure that they both felt like it was time productively spent. Seems like this might be the right vocation for me, eh?

Anyway, that’s the school update for now. As usual, it can be summed up with this simple phrase: Business School is HARD!!! (Oh, and by the way, I passed my accounting exam. Whew!!) At least it seems to be less terribly hard than before. (Sure, I say that now. Let’s see how I feel after another couple of weeks, eh?) Oookay, I should start some of that Pfizer research now, I suppose. I mean, I’d WAY rather pop over to the plaza around the corner, enjoy the sunshine, and drink a cafe con leche, but… I’m pretty sure I’d just end up drinking Guinness and spacing out instead, so I probably shouldn’t do that, right?

Ah, but quick shout out first: CONGRATULATIONS Stella and Seth!!!! They’ll be first time parents some time in November. Wooooohooooo!!!

I might not be that dumb… April 1, 2008

As we know, I have seriously struggled with my sense of self, sense of intelligence and sense of belonging since I’ve been here. And while I can’t report any major gains on sense of self or belonging, I can at least say that, today, I don’t feel altogether dumb. Which is nice. I found out, to my delight, that I passed Introduction to Corporate Finance. Thank BUDDHA! (A “6″ has never been more beautiful to me…) I seriously thought there was a risk of failure given that, while taking the exam, had it not been for the presence of my classmates I would have sincerely thought I was in the wrong classroom. But apparently I understood enough to get by. Yippeeeeeeeee! (Honestly, I didn’t think I could take another failure anyway. It’s just so demoralizing…) Also, I had my makeup exam for Cost Accounting today (three months later, ugh), and oddly enough, it didn’t feel that hard. I credit Graciela’s genius, as she expertly explained some of the trickier concepts to me yesterday (of course yesterday! when did you THINK I was going to start studying for the test??). But really, for the first time, I was able to look at the numbers and think (a little shakily) “yeah, okay, I think I can do this.” It sounds super cheesy, but MAN am I enjoying a LONG overdue moment of validation. Whew.

In other good news, I have my second interview with Deloitte next Wednesday, and my career adviser also hooked me up with another contact at another human resource consulting agency here in town (which is apparently part of the biggest HR consulting group in Europe, but seems to be pretty small here), so the possibilities seem to be opening up. AND: I don’t want to say TOO much, because it’s waaaaay too early and I don’t want to jinx it, but I met a guy last Saturday from another business school who is looking to start up his own HR consultancy after the MBA. He is also, incidentally, looking for a business partner. And the startup would be in Singapore, which I think is awesome. So we’ll be staying in touch. I’m excited.

But man, for a minute, I’m just going to enjoy a moment of not feeling like a total idiot, and read a totally NON-business related book until I fall asleep. Word.

Decisions, Spring Break, Etc. March 29, 2008

Wow, I can’t believe how quickly these last couple of weeks have flown by. PLEASE forgive me for being such a delinquent blogger! Especially when I posed this question about Cape Town, and then failed to THANK everyone for their feedback OR fill you in on the result! Man! But it’s been a busy couple of weeks, between finishing finals, having Aimee here to visit, going to Dublin (it’s like Boston! only friendlier!), and then kicking back into gear with a week-long seminar on strategy (which has been excellent!) and now it’s finally weekend again. Whew!

First things first: Cape Town. Soooo, after lots and lots of deliberation, and lots and lots of talking to people, and lots and lots of sleeping on it… I surprised myself and decided NOT to go. I just couldn’t, ultimately, come up with any other reason to go there than “CAPE TOWN IS COOOOOOL!” I mean, I’m of course interested in development and emerging economies and whathaveyou, but I’m still not convinced that for that, it would be enough to justify giving up a possibly great internship opportunity (which I hope to hear more about this next week — I’ll keep you all posted), missing out on fall recruiting, giving up potential income in the fall, etc. Soooo, I REALLY wanted to go, but… I just couldn’t come up with enough good reasons why. And, as I was commenting to Laurent, it’s not like I’m going to school in Cleveland or something. I’m in BARCELONA, at one of Europe’s best business schools, sooooo… Looks like I’ll be here this fall. I think I still have a couple of days to have a change of heart, but I’m feeling okay about being here. I DO love this city, and my school, and it will be, well, super different to be here without a bunch of my friends, so I think it could actually be totally cool. Anyway, THANK YOU all for your input — believe me, this has been a difficult decision. I REALLY wanted to go, and had a hell of a time being practical and talking myself out of doing it just for the adventure.

And then there was Spring Break. It was a much mellower break than I anticipated, but that was nice, and I felt pretty rested and ready to go when school started again on Tuesday. Dublin was great, and I got to actually drink a pint of Guinness at the source!

And of course, Aimee and I had a lot of time to catch up, and hang out, and it was a totally lovely visit. She got to meet some of my friends here, and Ireland was beautiful, and overall, it was an excellent break. (Of course, I didn’t manage to meet my husband in Ireland, siiiiiiigh — which was, of course, in the plan — but whaddayagonnado?)

So now, back to reality. I have my make-up accounting exam on Tuesday, which of course I’m dreading, and regular classes start up again on Tuesday as well. Ugh. Luckily, I have awesome stuff to look forward to in the coming weeks: Mary and Doug and friends will be here in a few weeks, Becky and her new boyfriend are coming in May, Sean and Laura and Kim and Martijn will all be here in June, so that’s a lot to get excited about.

I now have to go and watch some of my friends play sports. It’s the Spring Fling weekend, which is an inter-business-school sporting event put on by the other b-school in BCN, and a bunch of my friends are playing, so I should probably get over there and, like, cheerlead or something. (I know, sometimes it is HARD to be a student…)

Another one down! March 13, 2008

Well, I still haven’t decided about Cape Town, but it sure feels good to have another term behind me! I mean, it does and it doesn’t — this whole b-school thing is passing by way way way too quickly. I can’t believe this term is already over. Finals were… fair, for the most part. And I will even go so far as to admit that, though my tax law test was really really hard, it was also kind of (eek!) fun. It was like solving a puzzle, a little. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to get an awesome grade on it because I found the theory part hard (don’t know how you do it, Alex and Amelia!), but it was actually kind of an interesting exam. The only one I’m really really worried about is, predictably, Finance. I studied my FACE off for that exam, everything the prof said to review, and still walked into the exam, took a look at it, and almost started laughing. Our professor told us that if we did the review problems we’d be fine, and it would be “easy”. I did the review problems! Twice!! And then some other extra hard practice problems, and actually walked in feeling like I might do okay on the exam. But NO! I guess to my finance prof, “easy” is actually a euphemism for “really really ridiculously stupidly out-of-control ha!-in-yo-face! effing hard!” It was probably the hardest exam I’ve ever ever seen. It was painful. I’m hoping she takes mercy on me because I did my very very best with the formulas I had (net present value, annuity factor, blah blah blah), but yeah, I’m not feeling awesome about it. Anyway, the other exams were alright. I finished my HR exam in, like, 45 minutes. I was the second one to finish the test–I think that’s the first time that’s ever happened for me. It was cool. And actually, I was thinking about how awful and torturous finals are, but also, paradoxically, what a luxury they are. What I mean is, when else in my life am I going to sit down with friends for hours at a time and try to cram as much information into my brain as possible? When am I going to dedicate every single day to learning?? This is why I’m here, and, no matter the outcome of finals, I can say with absolute confidence that I am learning. A LOT. Painfully, at times, bordering on breaking me at others, but really, truly, I am LEARNING, and I’ve gotta pinch myself and think what an effing luxury this is. Living in Barcelona, loading up my brain with information, making incredible friends–it’s pretty freaking cool, man.

And now: I’m on break. Until the 25th!!!! Yippeeeeeee!!!! Aimee gets here Sunday night, and I can’t WAIT to show her this awesome incredible amazing beautiful city. We are going to have SO much fun, and it’ll be good practice for M&D’s visit in April! And also: the woman in charge of international programs told me that I can have until after Semana Santa to decide about Cape Town, so I think this means that Aim and I will be having some absolute marathon conversations about it (and a million other marathon chats about a million other things, too, obviously).

Re: Cape Town: thank you everyone for your insight and perspective! I’m still trying to work it out — the list of pros and cons is long, and I’m a little bit having a hard time coming up with anything but “Cape Town would be COOL!” as a reason to go. I dunno, I’d be sacrificing some pretty important stuff here for the sake of doing something “cool,” so I really have to think about it. But, as I said, I have another week to decide, so hopefully I’ll have a moment of clarity.

And right now? I’m headed out for a walk up the Paseo de Gracia to a book store that has books in English, and I’m gonna buy me some FUN reading! Woohoo!

Cape Town?? March 8, 2008

Alright, so, I didn’t get my first choice for exchange (Melbourne! curses!) but, I don’t know, I think that’s okay. As you have probably skillfully deduced from the title of the post, I was assigned the University of Cape Town, which was, if you will recall, my 2nd choice. And I have to decide by the 12th if I’m going to take it. Eek!

Of course, there are pros and cons on either side, but really, I don’t have a ton of time right now to consider whether or not I want to be in BCN (most likely working part time!) in the fall, given that I need to spend this weekend studying my face off, and then I’ve got finals Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (2 a day, ugh!). AND, if I take the exchange, I might miss out on the internship, because they’d mostly like to have me for 6 months (with the month of August off, of course–hee!!) and aren’t sure if I could just do the summer and the month of September. Complicating matters is that the woman who I interviewed with is in Boston (of all places) for the next week, so I have no way of knowing if I can do both the internship and the exchange. (Ummm, prisoner’s dilemma, anyone?)

But Cape Town? Well, being totally honest, I would lose a bit academically, and it’s the shortest exchange ever (October 13-December 19) so I’m fairly certain that the intellectual gain would be less. BUT, it’s freaking Cape Town! A beautiful, interesting place to be — and let’s be honest here, when am I ever going to up and move to South Africa for 2 months? Never, right? So it seems like a can’t-miss-it kind of opportunity. Another interesting factor is that ESADE only has one exchange with them, soooo… Yep, I’d be all on my own, heading down to the end of the world. (Obviously, they take exchanges from lots of other — mostly US — schools, and I’m sure the people attending there regularly are lovely as well…) I don’t know. It’s just such an adventure, and I’m not yet convinced that it’s the right adventure for me.

So: family, friends: thoughts? (I know I know, there will be those of you thinking — what’s wrong with you?! Cape Town Cape Town Cape Town!!!).  I’d love to hear any or all opinions on this topic. When I’m being really honest with myself, I think I have to go, but then — I’m not sure it’s the most practical thing to do (I know what you’re thinking — “but Crystal, when are you ever practical?”).

But for now, I have to table this little internal dialog and get to work, because I’m supposed to meet Graciela to study finance (blech) in 20 minutes, and I still have to shower. I rock.

All kinds of good stuff March 6, 2008

You know,  despite the fact(s) that I’m closing in on yet another round of finals, it’s freakishly cold in Barcelona, the buses are striking at the moment, and I’ve been trying to write the same paper for about a week now… Stuff is good. (Real good.)

A recap of recent events:

Light! In my stairway! Yes yes, it’s true. Nevermore will I hike my stairs in fear of tripping and dying in the dark. (Oh, don’t get me wrong, the light mostly just illuminates how scary and sketchy my stairs are, but at least I can see where I land when I fall–and one day, inevitably, I will fall. Oh yes, I don’t doubt that for a second…)

Interview! Today! Yes, ladies and gents, I had my first job interview in 5 years today. I interviewed with a consulting branch of Deloitte called Human Capital. And how did it go? Freaking great!! I like them, they like me, and it could, could, be a great avenue to full time work after the MBA.  AND I would have the entire month of August off (Jen and Laurent? I could come to LA for a while before the wedding, maybe?) and they would want me to be able to work in the fall. So, of course I can’t get my hopes up, but it went really, really well. And my whole job would be about human potential, and helping organizations recognize it, and helping them to invest in their human capital–cool, right? And it’s consulting, so it means seeing a whole lotta different companies, in different places, and, yeah, anyway–it was good.

Negotiations seminar! Regular class ended on Tuesday, and finals start on Monday, so the rest of this week has been a seminar on negotiations, led by a really dynamic psychologist. Added bonus: they’ve divided the class in 3, so it’s a smaller group than usual, and not with our same study groups, so all told it’s a total breath of fresh air, and a great way to disconnect for a few days before finals.

Tomorrow I find out if I’m going to have the option to go abroad or not. I’m not even sure what I’m hoping for, but I’ll keep you posted!

A couple of my buddies got called to interview for McKinsey this week–go, team, go!!

Aimee comes in a week and a half–whoot! I can’t wait!!

I’m still high from the conference last weekend. There is some seriously good stuff happening in the business world, and I can’t wait to be a part of it.

So of course, I still have a LOT to do in the next week, but then I get to relax, and Aimee will be here, and, yeah, there’s just all kinds of good stuff in BCN right now.

Inspiration! March 1, 2008

Today, I attended the first of a 2 day conference at the other business school in Barcelona, entitled “Doing Good and Doing Well.” It’s all about green development, emerging economies, alternative financing, sustainability, and corporate social responsibility–in short, everything that ever excited me about going to business school. Since I have been here, we know that I have seriously struggled with my sense of purpose, direction and overall belonging here, but today, I caught a glimpse of the possibility that I might, just might, be in the right place after all. There are exciting and innovative things happening in the business community, from the micro scale all the way on up to the macro. There are people who really care about making the world a better place (while at the same time improving their bottom lines, of course). There are people who are, in fact, walking the walk, in regards to green, sustainable development–which is hard for any cynic to believe, but seems to be true.

I remembered today that my struggles with finance, accounting and international taxation are a part of my long term goals, and that I’m actually studying those things for a (very good) reason or series of reasons. I remembered also that it is possible to be a do-gooder AND a businesswoman all at the same time, and that these two identities are NOT mutually exclusive. I met people from other schools who reminded me that the MBA community is not so totally rife with business jerks–that they, like me, have a sincere interest in successful business that has a conscience. It was an exciting day for me, and I can’t wait to see what tomorrow will bring. I’ve got plenty of stress at the moment (exams coming up, still looking for that accursed internship, etc), but at least I’ve had a moment of deliciously ingratiating insight into WHY, exactly, I’m putting myself through so much torture.

And dammit, it was freaking inspirational.

Quick Update February 22, 2008

Okay, I applied to study abroad. My GPA isn’t awesome (7.1 including my failed accounting class), and I still haven’t recovered my accounting grade, so my school might not even consider sending me. (Emailed the accounting prof today, though, so will likely retake the test at the beginning of March.) However, if they do take me into consideration, here’s how my choices ended up shaking out:

1. University of Melbourne

2. University of Cape Town

3. National University of Singapore

4. CEIBS (in Shanghai)

5. University of New South Wales (in Sydney)

Apparently whenever I think about changing locations, I mostly think East (CA to MA, MA to Spain, Spain to…? somewhere even farther East??). Hm. Not sure what that’s about. Anyway: wish me luck! I’m not entirely convinced I even want to go abroad (partially because MAN will those flights be expensive! and I wouldn’t be able to work part time in the fall! and I would miss European Thanksgiving with Jen and Laurent!), but I felt like I had to apply! Cape Town and Melbourne both look incredibly beautiful, and different enough from my current experience to give me a totally different b-school perspective, so it seems like it could be totally worth it.

It’s been a big week for applications, which means it’s been a big week for writing about how great I am. Which has actually been a somewhat useful exercise in reminding me that I do have a lot of good professional experience and great people skills–and that I’m not as useless and dumb as I tend to think (here). So I pulled a LauraP and treated myself to a trip to Sephora today for some new eye shadow. It’s been a tough week, and I felt like I needed a present. (Okay, I justified the trip by telling myself that I need to make myself presentable for my upcoming interviews. But still, a present is a present.)

Fingers crossed that all of these applications come back with the most positive outcomes possible, whatever that means…

Buried February 21, 2008

Okay, I know, I’ve been a BAD blogger! I know! But the thing is, this term has totally crept up on me, such that I find myself, you guessed it, COMPLETELY buried at the moment. I’m not entirely sure what exactly I’ve been doing this term but, erm, from the picture above you can get a decent idea (at least of what I did last weekend–which is, let’s just say, a photographic representation of what I LOVE about the Spanish Section! Saturday afternoon/evening barbecue, hurray!!).